I find that replying in the negative gives one a high. It is adrenalin pumped into the system. It is human nature. One is not doing it intentionally; however, one feels that one is in control. I can say this with comfort as I am 75 years old and being a Yogi and a psychologist, I am a keen observer. If only one was in touch with thoughts, feelings and emotions, one would understand why one does this.
Think of all the times you have said no and the others, who have said no to you.
Reasons: As children we were answered in the negative. No justification was given. I have been guilty of saying No to my twin sons. My response would be that I know best, and I am your mother. I was not didactic always, but sometimes I found desperate measures needed desperate remedies. When I went to study counselling, we were in a great deal of roll play. Then we discussed what Virginia Satir said about family relationships. It was important to discuss the problem with one’s children.
Well, I did this also. I made my 11-year-old sons sit on either side of me and asked them to discuss the problem. It did not work; they fought over me. I walked away. What my takeaway was I did what I had learnt and tried to restore peace. Also, it is best to step away as long as nobody is hurt when your kids are quarreling.
Our fears are not ruling us
We all learn through our experiences. Is it necessary to go through all the interactions. Again, I disagree, because it also important to be observant. Awareness enables one to learn that using the negative tone does not benefit one and others. Refusal can be made in a logical tone, without allowing the sympathetic system taking over. Laughter is a great enabler.
Next time, you say no, examine your feelings. Where is this coming from? Do I have to repeat when I was denied something? Couching the words in an empathetic manner, makes others listen and makes one aware that our thoughts and our fears are not ruling us.
Try it and see the change in yourself. Breathe deeply, and then say your piece.
Aim Hrim Klim